Sorry, We’re Experiencing Trans-Atlantic Difficulties

I’ll be out for a bit; I’m traveling to our country’s best friend in the Middle East…no, not Saudi Arabia.

Perhaps I’ll get to do some investigative journalism work while I’m there.  Who knows?  You’ll certainly hear my news report when I return to the good ol’ USA.

But check in once a week or so; you may be treated to pieces of pure genius composed by my friend (real name not to be revealed here).

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Ripped from the Headlines 7.19.10

Check back later for a full report.

Oil Spill…Déjà vu?

A few days into the integrity test of the cap, and a leakage has already been spotted.  When we asked BP whether this seeping oil is a serious setback, officials assured us that it’s just passing gas.

Outsourcing Spies

The Obama Administration is scared of an upcoming newspaper exposé about its heavy spending on external intelligence contractors.  The administration clearly doesn’t want the public to know that there’s no intelligence in Washington.

Megan Fox

Streets in Chicago have been blocked off for the filming of Transformers 3.  This way, the filmmakers can actually keep track of their four-wheeled movie stars.

Antennagate

In response to the connection and antenna issues, Steve Jobs is offering free phone cases, forcing iPhone 4 owners to come up with new excuses for not picking up the phone when their mothers call.

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Ripped from the Headlines 7.18.10

GOP

Ready for a grand ol’ party?

Obama vs. GOP

Obama says the “GOP is obstructing progress.” I guess he thinks the Republicans are the ones who sent him on the weekend getaway to Maine.

shrinkage!

It’s just shrinkage.

It’s a Small Atmosphere After All

CNN reports: “An upper layer of Earth’s atmosphere recently shrank so much that [NASA] researchers are at a loss to adequately explain it.” Don’t sweat it, NASA. It’s not like anyone understands your usual explanations anyway.

Bill Gates

Having Windows 7 issues? No use in telling Bill Gates. He’s stopped responding.

Bill on Education

Bill Gates has recently announced that the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation will spend $3 billion on improving America’s public schools. The foundation’s first plan of action: installing an iMac in every classroom.

Catch Me if You Can

The Barefoot Bandit, a 19-year-old accused of over 70 crimes including numerous burglaries while shoeless, is finally being brought to justice and is being flown back to Washington State for trial. Though he now has quite a dirty rap sheet, he still has a clean sole.

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7.16.10 News Boxers

Because no one wears briefs anymore.

Stay tuned for more stories next week.

EXPOSED: Fowl Play by Fox News

Chick it out: Fox News likes pulling your leg.  Your chicken leg, that is.

Chick it out: Fox News likes pulling your leg. Your chicken leg, that is.

“Chicken-and-Egg Mystery Finally Cracked” dominated the headlines on FoxNews.com and was mentioned by anchors on the Fox News TV channel all day.

Yet Fox’s news source, a press release from the University of Sheffield, explicitly states, “[This] work MAY also give a PARTIAL answer to the age old question ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg.’”

The scientific study found that a certain protein from chicken ovaries (yumm!) serves an important role in the formation of the egg.

Great!  So the chicken must have come first,’ concluded Fox News with their limited logic, pleased with their revolutionary discovery.

Apparently they forgot about the kindergartner’s study that found that the egg serves an important role in the formation of the chicken.

So…we conclude that  Fox News will sacrifice the whole truth for the sake of a mediocre pun?

Egg-xactly.


SPOTTED: Captain [Deputy] Obvious

“It appeared to me there had been some thought behind all of this,” Deputy Chief Steve Thomas commented in a murder/suicide investigation.

Earlier, his team had found “an envelope on the front door; inside the envelope was a note and a key to enter the house” in addition to “three other notes…inside the house.”  Some thought behind all of this?  No way.

Thanks for the spotting, CBS News.

——————————————

Leave it Up to FoxNews.com to Have Headlines Like These:

-Kids Ordered Not to Pray Outside Supreme Court

-Mummified Body Found Under California Home
Unleashing a curse for all eternity.

-Was El Chupacabra Spotted in Texas?
If it was, deport it immediately!

-Extreme Donuts

-How to Tile Anything

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7.15.10 News Boxers

Here are a few news briefs to keep you informed.  Stay tuned for a full story later today.

Real Estate, Less-Than-Real Transaction

Today, MSNBC featured an unsettling story that serves as evidence of America’s growing atheism problem:

Mr. Brent Arthur Wilson, a G-d fearing man, was convicted of “stealing a house.”  The problem is, he didn’t steal it; the public records and other paperwork clearly testify that Wilson bought the house from the landLORD—“Yahweh, [Y-H-V-H] the Creator.”

"I am that I am has sold you this house."

So vehement in their denial of the written word of G-d, the jury also found Wilson guilty of “tampering” with the public records that document his holy transaction with the Almighty.  With all this godlessness in the neighborhood, no wonder G-d was so quick to sell His house.

Poor Richard

FoxNews featured a story on good ol’ Dick Cheney–whom else did you expect?– on their homepage today.

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who has a long history of heart problems,” including not having a heart of his own, “has been fitted with a left ventricular assist device (LVAD), which is a battery-operated, mechanical pump-type device that’s surgically implanted…”

So we were right all along– he is part robot.

The article discusses the medical procedure and notes that “Patients with LVADs, like Cheney, can be discharged from the hospital and have an acceptable quality of life.”  The article, however, leaves some important questions unanswered.  For example, can the heart device withstand a bullet shot by a friend hunting for ‘quail’?  And can Cheney still engage in rigorous activities such as skiing or water-boarding?  FoxNews leaves us hanging.

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Leave it Up to FoxNews.com to Have Headlines Like These:

-Woman Pregnant With 2 Babies, But They’re Not Twins

-Florida Boy 14, Allegedly Kills Man for $4

-Angle Says Campaign to Defeat Reid is God’s Calling

-Woman With World’s Largest Breasts Fighting for Her Life
(I bet Fox News wouldn’t have posted this story if her breasts were just normal size.)
Does Made in the U.S.A. Spell R.I.P? 
(No it doesn’t, you dummies.)

Kiddie Sex Ed Has Montana City in a Tizzy
(What the!?! Kiddie sex!?)

Cuddly Killers

Chicken-and-the-Egg Mystery Finally Cracked
(ha ha ha, very punny.)

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BP: Brilliant People

Says BP: Don't Cry Over Spilled Oil

After spending 83 days on hundreds of perfectly sensible but surprisingly unsuccessful plans to plug up the gushing oil well, plans including clearly logical ones such as detonating explosives over the well, British Petroleum reluctantly resorted to a more creative, risky, fighting-a-losing-battle solution—covering the hole (dun dun dun….with a cap!).

Admittedly, a description of the attempt as such cheats BP of some much-deserved credit.
After all, the company has succeeded in some things, like in turning the Gulf into a Trekky’s playground.

BP Press Release: “The Discoverer Enterprise removed the LMRP ….. The Discoverer Enterprise then moved off station……The Discoverer Inspiration is now moving on station……The Q4000….. from the MC252 …..Once it becomes operational, the Helix Producer…..operational…..R2D2 onboard…….3CPO in the station……The Death Star…..” darn it, that’s Star Wars, isn’t it?  I always mix up the two.

Clearly, geeks aren’t the only ones staffing the BP offices.  Geezers stuck in the 40s-50s are, too, the ones who ‘ducked and covered’ last week after hearing the words “Russian Spies” on the news.  I mean, who else would refer to plugging up the oil well as “containment efforts?”.  Sorry to spoil your fun, but I’m afraid that the curtain doesn’t look very red these days; more brownish-blackish, from being drenched in oil.

Anyway, with this ingenious new device called a “cap” (had the English come to their senses– drinking more soda from plastic soda bottles and less tea from fancy family-heirloom teacups, they would have realized sooner that  “caps” usually do work pretty well), the oil can stop oozing out and stop giving pelicans all over the coast their five minutes of fame (now what did they ever do to deserve it?), right?

Wrong.

According to FoxNews, “BP doesn’t want the flow of oil to stop instantaneously.”
WHAT THE HECK!!!????

But then I realized what the heck was.

A) Stopping the oil instantaneously would mean that it’s time to move on to the next issue– cleaning up the Gulf.  Boy, is BP ready to face that problem.  Cleaning is not exactly the Brits’ specialty.  Just take a look at their teeth.

B) Pluggin’ it up all at once wouldn’t give Tony Hayward enough time to finish up his yacht race.

C) Neatly solving everything ‘instantaneously’ doesn’t make for good reality TV.  Viewers get excited not when the plot stops, but when the plot thickens.

D) Plugging up the hole would mean breaking the secret deal with Al Gore and foiling his elaborate scheme of speeding up Global Warming.  Oh, the inconvenient truth.

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